From The Inside

Fathers' Day

As I write this today I've just finished my breakfast in bed - one of the perks of Fathers' Day - and I have not only received some lovely gifts from my kids (they have remarkable taste for pre-schoolers!) but I got a lovely card in which they were able to record a spoken message to me - brought a tear to my eye - definitely one to keep for ever.

As always though, my mind drifted to the guys in prison.  In Scotland this morning there will be nearly 8,000 prisoners wakening up in prison, most of them men, and a significant number of them fathers.  It is estimated that 15,000 children are affected in this country alone each year because of a parent in prison.  Today there will literally be thousands of children unable to share Fathers' Day with their dads in the way that my children have done with me.  Spare these kids a thought - and their dads too!

Of course life isn't that clear-cut either.  Many of these dads inside will have no contact with their kids anyway, for whatever reason.  Some are in messy situations where they have a number of kids with a similar number of partners.  But today there will be fathers missing their kids, beating themselves up for being such a bad dad, and generally reflecting about the circumstances they are in.  And of course these guys are sons too - and many will be wishing that they were there to be with their own dads, and maybe feeling bad for letting them down too. 

There will also be (perhaps a bigger number!) many who have never had a father figure in their life.  I was speaking to one prisoner recently for the first time, and he was telling me about his life's story.  I commented after a while that he had never mentioned a dad.  "I've never had a dad", he said, "he had disappeared off the scene before I was born."  There was a real sadness in his eyes.  It is said that you never miss what you've never had - I'm not sure that is always true.  Many of these guys have been 'abandoned' by their dads, and many carry the pain of that 'rejection'.  Others may have had their dad there physically, but bear the consequences of a father who failed to deliver - for whatever reason - what good dads should deliver.

So in many households, like my own, today will be a day of celebration with kids and dads enjoying each other.  But in many homes it will be a day for feeling pain and the opening of old wounds.  Remember these kids too.

Christmas In June

It's nearly 6 months since Christmas (which means that we are half way through to next Christmas!) but today I 'used' the last of my presents - a flying lesson, from my wife.  Having taken off, the tutor passed control to me - and I casually flew around Central Scotland - up past Stirling (the castle, Wallace monument, Blair Drummond Safari Park), past the Trossachs to Callander, and skirted the edge of Loch Lomond.  There was some scattered cloud and rain showers - but visibility was clear and we could see out over the Firth of Clyde to Arran, down to the Forth bridges - and up into the mountains of the Highlands.

The small Cessna 125 felt a little fragile compared to the commercial planes I've been used to being a passenger in - and you fairly get jostled around a bit in the gusts of wind and weather fronts.  There is, of course, not a lot to steering a plane around the skies - but it was still weird when the tutor tells me that I can go left or right - wherever I want to go!!  Ah the freedom of the skies!! 

Great day out.  Increased my prayer life!  Fun experience - but also nice to get my feet back on the ground.  Now I just need to find a few thousand pounds so I can get my pilot's licence.  Then I can go flying every weekend!?

'Till Death Us Do Part??

You never know what you are going to be asked next in a prison.  Here's one from last week.  "See if you get married but fraudulently under a false name, are you still married in the eyes of God?"

A concerned prisoner - now seeking to become a Christ-follower, had - it turns out - to raise money for his drug addiction on the outside, fraudently married an African woman seeking to become a British citizen.  They had also fraudently divorced months later.  The marriage was not consumated he emphatically assured me!

He came out with this in the middle of a Bible study group - so there was much fun and hilarity.  In that spirit of things I assured him that not only was he married before God (after all a promise before God is a promise before God, I said, no matter what name you give Him!!) but according to the Bible he can never marry again!!  (Such a caring pastoral heart!)  He knew I was joking (or was I?).

So - what would you have said??

Molly

What have we done?  Today we welcomed home Molly - a 7 week old brown lab.  Takes our dog total to 3 - but given our oldest is nearly 13 and sleeps much and walks little then he doesn't count.  Even the other dog who is 12 next month refuses to come and walk with me on my fast walks - so time I thought to bring on a new pup and in months to come she can keep me company as I do my walking for exercise.

However - before then we have the "training, the endless cleaning up and the biting and devouring anything that moves" stage.  It will be fun!?

Blaming Annedroid for this anyway!  She bought a pup recently - and just put me in the mood - well was thinking about it anyway, but all her photos didn't exactly help!!  So - remind me again Annedroid how long house-training takes??

Motoring For The Wealthy

I was sitting in the doctor's waiting room this morning (yet again!) and was watching BBC News 24 while I waited.  The news item that was on at the time was this one, about Nottingham Council wanting to charge employers with car-parking spaces for more than 10 cars, 75p per day per car-parking space, as an alternative to the congestion charge.  Employers of course say that they will just pass the charge on to the poor (aptly named!) motorist.

No I'm not denying that something perhaps needs to be done about the escalating number of cars on our roads.  Nor am I denying that from an environmental point of view something also needs to be done.  What I do have a problem with is the fact that we only ever seem to have one solution - charge the motorist more.  Increase the tax element on fuel.  Increase the cost of taxing a car.  Congestion charges, levies on using the motorways - you name it, but the bottom line seems the same - increase the cost and deter people using their cars.

Now apart from the fact that there is little evidence that such increased charges actually work - my biggest problem is not a selfish one - 'how much is this going to cost me?' - but a socialist one - for these 'solutions' could really be put another way - keep increasing the cost of running a car until only the richest can afford it.  The only people who will be deterred from driving by the increasing charges will be the poorest people who are already living on the edge.  Do we really want owning and using a car as being the privilege of only the most wealthy?

We live in a society where owning a car is more of a necessity.  Local communities no longer exist - shops, entertainment, hospitals and doctors surgeries, even churches are more and more moving away from local housing.   As a prison Chaplain I am only too aware of how necessary a car is to just visit a family member who is serving a sentence.  If you don't have a car you are increasingly excluded from significant parts of ordinary life, and deprived of what many see as essential elements of modern living.  And of course if you can't afford to drive to the local Tesco (or afford a computer to have it delivered - at a cost!) then you have to walk to the local shops, where prices are rarely competitive, and so again the poor pay the most.

So I ask myself the question again - is raising the cost of running a car the only way to deter people?  Do we want driving to be the pursuit of only the most wealthy?  Is the only way of reducing the number of cars on the road to prevent the poorest from running a car?  I'm just not sure that is fair!

Sick of Violence??

I've been off sick all week.  Hoped to get back today, but it hasn't happened, so hopefully will be next Monday now.  My boss has been really good, telling me not to hurry back and already cancelling meetings I have next week so that I don't feel pressurised to return before I'm ready (I'm putting that down to being caring rather than enjoying the peace and quiet of me not being there!).

Just got a virus which is proving difficult to shift.  Mid-way through my second course of antibiotics.  Think I'm getting there!?

The thing is, the thought of being off unwell always seems better than the reality.  The image is being tucked up in bed all snug and warm, reading all those books I never seem to have the time to do.  The reality is feeling too yucky to care, and too tired to concentrate longer than a few pages at a time.

Another thing I am realising however, is that since working in a prison I find crime, violence and murder less and less appealing as subjects of entertainment and relaxation.  I used to like nothing more than a mindless and harmless who-dunnit as light reading - such as a good Peter Robinson, P.J. Tracy or Ian Rankin.  I now find them too close to comfort to be all that enjoyable - I hear too many tales of real violence and horror on a day to day basis to be detached enough to read it as "light" reading.  (It's amazing however how popular real crime stories are in the prison libraries!).

The same is true for films and TV - even the programmes I used to enjoy such as "Street Wars" or "Police, Camera, Action" I sometimes feel uncomfortable to watch, because I know it has been the real past of many of those I work with. 

Maybe I'll get used to this - after all it's harmless isn't it?  Or is it indeed weird that in this violent and sometimes lawless culture that we are living in, that we still enjoy crime as a form of entertainment?

I'm Back!

I've been neglecting my blog - sorry.  Just feel that I've not had a lot of inspiring thoughts to bring you, but then "what's new?" you may be asking!

Life has settled down in the prison a little.  I'm learning however that you can take nothing for granted - and anything can change at any moment.  Prison is a stressful place to work however, and can be very emotionally draining too.  I find this particularly so - you pour so much time, energy and passion into some of these guys, but it's up to them to make the changes.  For some however, whose lives are broken and fractured in many ways, to even have the hope that change is possible seems a mountain too high to climb.  They can be doing so well for so long, and then for no apparent reason, or when a crisis hits, they return to their default settings and old patterns of behaviour and responding.  When they are doing well you celebrate with them; when they muck up you feel it too.

Of course many would say that I get too emotionally involved - and maybe I do.  I just don't know how to do it any other way.  I genuinely love some of these guys, and feel that this is part of what a Chaplain is called to do.  Yes I could keep a professional detachment, and for my own sanity and emotional health I wish I could.  But is this the Gospel?  Is this what Jesus calls me to do as a Christian?  I'm not convinced - and so maybe I just need to bear the burden of caring for these guys, and feeling the pain of disappointment with them when it all goes wrong.

On a personal note I've been working hard at keeping a better work/life balance - trying to switch off when I'm at home; NOT reading my work emails - and trying to do fun and relaxing things at the weekend with my family, who after all are the most important people in my life.  Last weekend saw me flying a kite on St. Andrews beach - something therapeutic about that!

Stress At Work

I haven't blogged for ages!!  Life seems to be very busy and hectic - though I'm not sure why!

Last weekend, for Easter we had a great weekend away with the church for whom I once served as Pastor at Kilcreggan.  It was a busy weekend between leading worship and the different sessions - but it was a good time too - good company, good hospitality - and the weather was even good to us too.  So we came back tired but refreshed all at the same time.  The week running up to this kept me busy with preparation.

Work is a very stressful place at the moment.  Maybe I just need a holiday, or maybe it is still the after effects of my near-miss accident last month, but my stress levels still seem very high - and most mornings I am wakening up at about 5am with my heart pounding and my breathing fast.  Most of the time I'm OK, but at other times the smallest of hassles, which I would normally take in my stride, are really stressing me out.  But 'nuff about me.

Work is still hectic.  Nothing ever seems to stay the same for long - and there are stresses wherever you seem to go.  Although our new house units are only built for 670 we now house 720 prisoners.  We are having more short-term prisoners also, which means that there is a faster turn-over of prisoners.  It is a very different jail from the one I started working in full-time last year - when the prisoner population was only 430.  Constant cut-backs yet with the need to provide the same, if not more, than before is not easy.  Space is of a premium, staff levels at a minimum (complicated further with large numbers of sick absence (stress related?)) and folk are just feeling generally burnt out.  One thing that I have learnt with the Prison Service - constant change is here to stay!

Missing Jail

I'm missing jail.  I've had one of those weeks where I have spent the majority of it outside of prison - well my own prison at least. 

Monday afternoon I had to visit another family to return their son's belongings following his untimely death in custody - due to natural causes.  They lived about 30 miles away from the prison - so it was a fair round trip.  I had a nice time with the mum - who showed me things her son had made her in prison, and photos from his childhood and days gone by, before he had committed his offence.  He was in for murder and had spent the last 14 years of his life in prison.

Wednesday I visited another prison to see both their new Chaplaincy Centre and Visitors Centre.  My own prison is undergoing rebuilding work, and we're getting a new Chaplaincy Centre for ourselves.  I will of course be heavily involved in the planning and design.  The prison I was visiting had a nice Chapel area and office space - but due to its design and layout - which leads to staffing issues - it means the Chapel is basically only used for services.  Such a waste.  I must be in one of the few jails in the country where prison officers do not need to sit in on our groups and services - and I am keen to keep it that way.  An officer's presence changes the whole atmosphere of the place.  We need to really take this into account while designing the new centre.

Their Visitors Centre is very good.  Run by a Christian charity with paid staff and volunteers, it offers much needed support to not only visitors but families of prisoners in general - giving advice, support and information as needed.  They do a great job and have an excellent facility.  I had only planned to make it a morning visit - but ended up being there most of the day.

Thursday morning I visited another prison - this time to look at their special Day Care Centre.  Again I have been asked to be heavily involved in the design and implementation of this in my own prison.  The centre works with some of the most vulnerable and needy prisoners - offering a facility for them to get out of their cell and get support and help to assist them in coping with their sentence.  It offers drama workshops, arts and crafts, computers and games, groups and discussions, relaxation classes and therapy - and input from numerous disciplines and volunteer groups.   A  great resource - but again layout and design is crucial if it is going to work at its best.

Today I've been in a nice hotel (with a lovely lunch!) 30 miles north to attend a conference run by the Samaritans about the running and development of The Listeners Scheme.  I now co-ordinate that within the prison too.  We're down to just 2 Listeners at the moment due to others moving on, so we're presently recruiting.  Sorry - you need to be a prisoner to apply!

I Know Snails Are Slow, But...

I think we are having to face up to the sad reality that Theag and Thag's offspring are not going to hatch!  The books say that most hatch between 7-14 days - and we are now on day 17.  Not looking good.

Heck, back to the drawing board for my nephews' birthday next week!

And better luck next time to Theag and Thag!